This Time is Imperfect
by x.Br0k3n.X
Summary: What if James had a girlfriend before Lily fell for him? What if she really did love him? What will happen to her?


** This Time is Imperfect  
**

_ Song by AFI, album Sing the Sorrow  
_

Sometimes I swore I could hear him whisper the soft, "I love you," in my ear like he used to. Sometimes I swear that I could feel his embrace, and I would remember when I hid my face in the crook of his neck and I was peaceful. For once, I was peaceful. Other times, I would dare to raise my eyes from the ground and see her with him. And sometimes I wondered, wished, hoped that what we had was real. But at the same time I knew he never loved me the way he loved her, nothing that we had would ever compare with what they have. I know that. I can see it in the way his eyes light up when she comes into his embrace, the way he smiles when he hears her laughter. Never like he did with me, not once. He was everything to me and I was almost nothing to him. And I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had to turn my back on him forever.

_ I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,_

_Forever haunted, more than afraid._

_Asphyxiate on words I would say,_

_I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.  
_

Everytime I see them together, tears well up in my eyes. Everytime they're together, I remember what we had. I know that I fooled myself into believing that he loved me, and I know that he's much happier with her. He always loved her, always. Even when we were together, I know that he secretly wished that she loved him back. And now as I dwell on my decision, and the thoughts race through my mind, so confused...I want to cry. I still loved him, with every ounce of myself I loved him. And he...he had never loved me. All those moments, all those times, everything that I held close to my heart were just memories to him. That's what I was to him, just a memory.

_ There are no flowers, no not this time,_

_There'll be no angels gracing the lines,_

_Just these stark words, I find._

_I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,_

_I'd share with you could I only speak,_

_Just how much this, hurts me.  
_

I want to tell him that I still love him. I want to bore my eyes into his and tell him. I want to beg on my knees for him to come back to me, to forget anything he ever had with her. The red-haired, emerald eyed beauty. I want for him to embrace me back, to tell me that he did love me, that he does love me and that everything we had was real, and that everything we will have is real. I want him to tell me that she's nothing to him, that he loves me the way I love him. But I know he will never say those things, I know he will never be what I want him to be and I know he will never feel the same things I feel for him. I know that I was the one who meant nothing to him, and that she was the one who is his world. Across the room I can see them. Hands entertwined, a smile on his face and happiness in her eyes. Like we used to have.

_ I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,_

_Just like all I loved, I make believe._

_Imagine heart, I disappear, seems,_

_No one will appear, here and make me real.  
_

I blinked the tears that we forming in my eyes...I was afraid, but I know what I have to do. I know that I must bid good-bye to him forever. I know that I will never be happy if he is not with me, and I know that I cannot stand to see them together, I cannot bare it for one more second. I got up and slowly walked over to him, if I was...I'd have to say good-bye to him. Tears were now streaming down my face and I tried to hide them. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, shakily. "I'm sorry." I didn't bother to see his reaction, his confused look...I went straight up to the Girls' Dormitory and fell onto my bed, my heart pouring out through the salty tears that were falling relentlessly down my cheeks.

_ I'd tell you how it haunts me,_

_I'd tell you how it haunts me,_

_(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)_

_I'd tell you how it haunts me,_

_(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)_

_You don't care that it haunts me.  
_

I was shaking all over, and the memories of us were flooding my mind. I couldn't stop crying and I thanked God that there was no one else in the room. My thoughts were confused, and I was hurting more then I could ever show. I was hurting more then anyone could ever cry, I was hurting more then I could handle. Some wounds never heal, some loves are never forgotten. And I know the love that he and I had would never be forgtten, it was one of those that would eat away at me. I will never, ever be able to look at him with her again. I will never have to, either.

_ Oh,_

_There are no flowers, no not this time,_

_There'll be no angels gracing the lines,_

_Just these stark words, I find._

_I'd show a smile, but i'm too weak,_

_I'd share with you could I only speak,_

_Just how much this, hurts me._

_Just how much this, hurts me.  
_

I took in a deep breath. I didn't know if what I was doing was right, but I was so confused. The only thing that I knew is that it had to end, and this was the only way. I knew that if I dreamed once more that he was in my arms I would be driven insane. My heart pounded mercilessly in my chest, and my blood ran cold. I was afraid. I was confused. But I knew what I had to do. So I took the gun to my temple. One shot was all I needed. One shot and everything was gone. I pulled the trigger, and everything faded out and into black.

_ Just how much you...  
_

A/N: Sad, I know. Please review! tear


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